Shush and Obey

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I was tired of arguing with one of the kids today, and when it was over and he had finally gone to bed, I wondered again if I did right.

See - I was so tired of arguing.  Always an arguement from this particular child. So I told the person just to go to bed. I'm done. I don't want to argue. Go to bed.  I had to say it more than a few times. Finally, he went, but only because I'd threatened to ground him.

After everything quieted and I was by myself again, frustrated, I went back to what I had been doing in my office. I resumed my tasks at the computer, but all the while, still thinking about what just happened.

And then I saw a tweet by Randy Alcorn -

"Job stops arguing with God.  Job 42:2-6. It is when he surrenders to God that he finds comfort."

Ok. I had to look that up. What is Job 42: 1-6?

1 Then Job replied to the LORD :
2 'I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, "Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?" Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
4 You said, "Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me."
5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.'

This is what struck me immediately...

After years of having to maintain total control while my husband was drinking, I worked at letting go, shushing up, and letting God guide my husband's decisions after we became Christians. During this period of time, I even wore a scarf. - not for legalistic reasons - but to remind myself to back off and be quiet and listen to what my husband had to say.

It was hard!  Hard for me to let go of the reins, but also, surprisingly, hard for my husband to pick them up and take control. For a little while there, he actually got mad at me if I wouldn't say what we should do next. So one of the pastors told me to give Roland options, discuss the issue, but then still back off from the final decision. (Kind of a tight rope)

And of course my husband made mistakes. Kind of like a child learning to walk. One of his first major decisions was the phones for our Medicab - and he signed us into a terrible contract.  But we all make mistakes. Making the correct decision all the time wasn't the point. The point was for me to rest and let him do it - and trust God, not necessarily him.  In other words, if my husband made a mistake,  it was okay, because I was trusting God to make things work in the long run.

Anyway, my stepping back and his stepping forward helped us both, and we grew.  Neither of us were perfect, but we did get to a point where we were both much better. We were also much more comfortable with things this way. I really did find myself enjoying that certain things were no longer 'my' problem and stepped back with relief that I didn't have to worry about certain issues anymore.

Which is, I think, what I was trying to express to some of kids when they were teenagers; telling them to just tell friends at school that certain decisions were out of their hands. Tell them that their mother was a mean decision maker, and that I would kill them if they tried drugs or alcohol. I had hoped my kids would find comfort in not having to make certain decisions - kind of like I had found comfort in letting someone else be in control. "See," I told them, "the decision has already been made - you aren't allowed to do what they were asking you to do.  You can rest in that decision"

Unfortunately, it didn't work. Most of my older kids didn't embrace that teaching. Maybe it was in the delivery. 

Anyway, so I've been trying to teach some of the younger kids with an even simpler - maybe gentler - certainly more tired - version of that concept. 

"Let me be the boss.  Let go.  Simply quit arguing and do as I ask. Really. Things are a lot easier that way. For everyone. Yup."

In some ways, it's getting through a little better. Perhaps more because the younger can see the troubles older siblings had gotten into and know that if 'such and such' rules had simply been listened to, those sibs wouldn't have gotten into those troubles. At any rate, motivation aside, the younger ones seem to be listening a little better.
Sure, I will make mistakes, too, just as we all do.  But in the big picture, it doesn't matter.  Does it matter today that my husband, who passed away 6-years ago, put us into a bad contract 17-years ago?  No. No one but me even remembers the contract, and it is totally irrelevant to me or to anything happening today. 

However, the big picture - that he and I had eventually learned to work together as a cooperating team - matters a great deal.  It matters to my heart, and it matters to my kids.  The big picture is that he is no longer with us, but our good memories, the lessons we learned together, and our love for him will last forever.

And my older ones, having gone through their grief, are starting to see and understand that, especially now that some of them are raising kids.

So back to that lesson from Job; there's a lot of good for us all to learn in it. It refers to God and our submission to Him, but can also teach us about getting comfort from simply listening to - and obeying - any of our authorities. (as long as the authorities aren't telling you to break God's laws)

In our society, we already know we aren't ever to argue with the police. Or with a judge. These are 'given's that most of us easily accept.  And we aren't to argue with or disrespect our military commander, no matter what an idiot he might be, as General McChrystal recently reminded us.  Submitting to the concept of obeying those in authority is a real expectation in our society, and most of us rarely question it.

And arguing with our boss isn't always bright. (although I've done it in my youth) (and lost jobs because of it)
Simply dong as our domineering boss asks, even if is stupid, makes life simpler. (as long as everyone knows it was the boss who demanded that it be done in a stupid way.)  Most of us understand this about authority.

Except when it comes to parents.  In the last 60 years, the expectation that parents be obeyed has been erroded. Strict parents are seen as "controlling," and assumed to be "abusive."  This has been brought on by an intrusive school system as well as television and movies, where teens and even pre-teens are lauded for their sass and rebellion. Parents, teachers and school principals are often portrayed as idiots with whom the children must endure.  Although I like Will Smith a lot now, I never used to let my kids watch "the Fresh Prince of Bel Air" because the attitude toward those in authority was so nasty.  The movie "Home Alone" is another example were parents were shamelessly ridiculed and disregarded.  And those are just a couple examples. The televsion and movie industry is full of matrial that disregards parents.

We have learned to disrespect the authority of parents, and I say "we" because I was raised within the last 60 years, as well. I was a teen in the 70's, when disregarding parents (and bosses we thought were stupid) had already become a norm.  Sass was an art form - one with which you could get lots of good attention from friends for. (believe me, I got good attention for my sass)

Further, when I began raising my kids, I had no confidence in my own authority.  If my older children disagreed with me, I actually believed that I should factor that into my final decision.  I confess that I needed to be stronger about making decisions and sticking to them no matter how my kids wheedled.
Now, toward the end of my child raising days, I'm finally getting the hang of it.
Kids need to know "No more arguing. Just do it."   Yup.

And for me - teaching my kids to simply 'shush and obey' IS my job in obeying my God, who commanded me in Deut. 6 to teach my kids everything there is to know about Him and all His expectations. Teaching my children about authority - most importantly, HIS authority - is MY act of shushing and obeying my God... who commanded me.

Submitting to earthly authorities can be a way to learn how to submit to God.  Kind of like - if we can simply listen to, trust and obey the flesh and blood parent screaming lunatic standing in our living room, then maybe we can understand how to submit to, trust and obey our much quieter, comforting, and always correct God.

And that's all I really wanted from this child tonight. Just to - shush - listen, and obey. That's all. 

Really parents - it's okay to want and receive that. In fact, it's our job.

Hey, Parents! Think About Your Kid

Continued from Hey Kids! Listen to Your Parents!

Types of Obedience We Parents Can Expect from Our Children:

Normal expectations include little things, such as to sit still and listen in church, do their chores, and get up for school on time.

But MOST IMPORTANT is to listen to, respect and obey their elders, because if they can do that, other good behavior can fall into place.

Some good rules to help set boundaries for the kids are hard for non-christians and even some Christian parents to understand, especially with how our media and society has begun to expect that risky and even bad behavior is some kind of norm for teenagers.

Well, other parents can go ahead and allow their children to take certain risks with their lives and then try to correct whatever errors the child has made by helping them get abortions, drug counseling and bail from jail. I prefer to help my child overcome temptations by simply not setting them in bad situations to begin with.

My kids are a treasure. I like to treat them as such. Look at the below rules not in the light of what others might think, but what really is best for your child's emotional, physical and spiritual growth. For example;

The six-inch rule is a must. Teenagers many times just don’t understand the problems that result from close physical contact. There is no need for the girls to be sitting on the guys laps. End of Story.

Discourage the opposite sex from calling just to chat you preteens and young teens. They can call about homework, etc, but despite what popular culture pushes, you really don’t want a more personal relationship to develop with just one person of the opposite sex yet. Discourage long chats on the phone.

Don't allow dating until the age of 16, or later if we feel they are not ready for it. Even at that age, dating should be in groups rather than one on one. A young person needs to grow in maturity before they can understand and relate in a special way to someone else. As Dr. Dobson of “Focus on the Family wrote, Young people “never know each other as well as they think they do. That’s because the dating relationship is designed to conceal information, not reveal it.” It’s hard enough to really figure each other out when you’re 20 and even 30. It’s impossible for young teenagers.

Ann Landers once had in her column a letter about a young couple that had dated five years, all through high school and then were married. Their marriage lasted only 5 weeks. Why? How did that happen? I saw the same thing happen in my high school. The bottom line was that once this tender-hearted and kind couple began dating in 9th grade, the girl never had the heart to hurt the boy through the next 4 years. So although she wasn’t in a relationship she really wanted, she kept it up, not knowing how to back out. The longer they were together, the harder it became to back away. Don't set your kid up. Give them the comfort of rules and boundaries so they don't have to feel stuck in a situation that they aren't ready for.

Our children were encouraged not to even kiss until their wedding day. The wedding ceremony, with the final kiss, is truly one of the most beautiful events that can happen in your life. We didn’t want them to ruin it with cheap and unfulfilling imitations.

We also encouraged them to seek Christian mates. From our own experience and the things we’ve seen in life, they and their children would be much happier if they begin marriage on a firm foundation. We wanted our children to be as happy as possible.

That said, we have a huge opposing force in this society. Kids can't watch TV, magazine ad, or movies without seeing sex constantly and there is virtually no way to shield kids from it. If they don't see it at your house, they'll frequently see it at the neighbors. Even the school. So I have to admit, we had lofty goals that not every child has been able to meet. Still, that doesn't mean the goals were wrong. It means we simply have a huge fight in this country over the influence of our children.

Our goals; we wanted our children to enjoy childhood. In truth, it’s much more fun to be able to enjoy your classmates as friends for as long as possible, without the pressure of worrying about whether or not someone likes you or who is going out with whom, or who will get jealous if you talk to that other person. If we take the dating game out of the picture, our children can feel free to continue having simple fun with everyone. Some of our older children didn't understand and had a struggle with that, but not all have. My eigth-grader right now does in fact feel better without the pressure and has expressed that. Apparently, her class has lots of difficulties with dating, jealousies, pettiness, and drama. (Junior High drama. Is there anything worse?) She's very glad not to be a part of it.

Prov. 22:5, "In the paths of the wicked lie thorns and snares, but he who guards his soul stays far from them.

END
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Hey, Kid! Listen to Your Parents: Part Two -

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Continued from Part I

Obedience is a Blessing.

The book of Proverbs is filled with admonishments to listen to your father, seek wisdom, and shun folly. Proverbs 4:1 “Here ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding.” According to Proverbs 3:1-2, Obeying your parents will bring you peace and good life. "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity."

For one, obeying parents brings you physical protection. Rules put up borders that keep you out of dangerous situations. “Don’t sit on the railing” is a good rule to have when you’re 15 stories above the pavement.

I remember when one of my daughters was a year and a half and we were camping at Glacier Park. Anyone that's camped at Glacier knows that sometimes you're lucky to get any kind of spot at all, let alone find a perfect one. Our campsite was not only close to the road, but cars came around a tree lined curve and couldn’t see us until they were right in front. While we were setting up the tent, I kept an eye on little girl, just waiting for her to make a move toward the road. As soon as she did, I spanked her once, good and hard. Then I went back to work and watcdhed her again. Sure enough, when she saw one of her older siblings start walking toward the bathroom, she followed. So I spanked her bottom hard again. After a few minutes, we did it a 3rd time. She didn’t try it a fourth time.

Why did I spank her hard right off the bat? To possibley save her life. I'm only human and while I can make a concentrated effort to keep my eyes on her for periods of time, I know there is no way I can do it 100% of the time. I knew I wasn’t perfect enough to be able to spend two days at that camp without ever taking my eye off her for a moment, so I wanted to set up the only kind of fence I could, an emotional one. I wanted her to know from the start that going that direction meant pain. Best to get business out of the way as soon as possilble. She didn't understand at the time, but it was a lot better for her to feel that pain on her butt then for her to get hit by a car.

Believe it or not, even at the age of 14, 15 and 16, childen still need fences and boundaries that they may not understand. And it’s okay for kids not to completely understand them. Obey anyway.

Emotional protection; Through obedience, kids not only have the comfort of knowing their parents care enough about you to make rules, but they also have the comfort of the rules themselves.

As long as parents have laid down a rule, you are protected. You don’t have to make up an excuse for your friends as to why you can’t do something. You have the comfort of being able to say, “My Dad won’t let me.” Period. No other explanation is necessary. You can feel safer with rules. Limits can be a comfort.

This is something else I know from experience. I grew up without parents who watched me close or gave me rules. When I was eight and the parents of my friends were telling them they couldn’t cross the highway and they had to be home in an hour, I thought I had it good because my parents didn’t care where I went. But the key phrase here is “didn’t care.” When I was a teenager and could go where I wanted, I still thought I had it good. But in my heart, a lot of the people I was around really scared me. I hung out with them, but truth is I didn't really like most of them. I was being asked to do things that scared me. I thought I was happy and having a good time, but in truth, I was a scared little girl who actually felt worthless. How great it would have been to have parents that set boundaries and kept me safe.

Spiritual protection: A third reason to obey is simply because God tells you to.
Proverbs 6:20, 23 “My son, keep they father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother…for the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life.”

Most of the time your parents aren’t harassing you just because they haven’t got anything better to do. Most of the time they harass you because they Love you and know they only have a few more years left to teach you before you turn 18 ...and go out and fall on your face.


A) Eph. 6: 1-3, “Children, Obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor your father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”

B) 1 Sam 15:22 says obedience is better than sacrifice. Why? Because obedience in itself is one of the greatest sacrifices. When you make the decision to be obedient, you are deciding to follow the wishes of someone else, and not follow your OWN desires. You are sacrificing your own yearnings. This is the same kind of thing as fasting is. Giving up what YOU want, for the sake of someone else’s wants.

C) Romans 6:18, Obedience brings Righteousness. You feel it. Things change in your life and in your heart. There are very real, tangible Blessings from being obedient.

D) Romans 6:19, “You are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have come slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

More to Come... Hey Parents! Think About Your Kid!
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Hey, Kid! Listen to Your Parents: Part One -

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Our human nature is to be disobedient. No one likes discipline. It’s far easier to do what ever feels good, from eating, playing, sleeping, fast rides and fast cars. If we could spend all day, every day doing only these things that feel good, we’d all be happy, right?

You know that's wrong. No one is happy being a drug addict, for example. Why aren’t they? Because when we live in indulgence, be it drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, fast lives or even simply over eating, even though doing those things may feel good temporarily, we are actually hurting ourselves emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Prov. 14:12, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." No one is happy just playing. When all you’re doing every day is playing and indulging yourself, there is nothing to feel good about or be proud of. In fact, you begin to feel terrible about yourself.

We all need structure and limitations in order to live healthy and productive lives. God's laws are merely good standards for healthy lives.

Disobedience is also like a cancer. It spreads. Prov. 22:24, "Do not makes friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his and get yourself snared."

a) It will spread through your own life. There is a verse in the Bible that says if you are sinful with the little things in your life, you will become sinful with the bigger
things.

b) It will spread through the lives of others. Humans are by nature sinful. It’s easiest for us to be that way, and like I said, it’s temporarily fun. So when we see others breaking the rules, many of us are tempted to follow.

Disobedience is dangerous.

1 Sam 15: 23 says, “For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as inequity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the Word of the Lord, He has rejected thee…”

Folly happens when over indulge ourselves. Most people that have lived lots of years have learned this through their own mistakes. Most parents know that over-indulgence hurts, and do what ever they can to keep their children from making those mistakes. That’s why many parents set up rules and nag. Prov. 19:3, "A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord." Folly happens when we don’t listen and obey. Obedience to parents helps prevent Folly.

As teenagers we don’t like our parents rules.
Parental rules are a pain. Every time you turn around, your parents are nagging you about this or that, or punishing you for something you forgot to do, or laying down another rule, or saying “no” when you want to do something.

Many times we don’t understand why our parents lay out certain rules. My son once asked me what I would say to a friend of his that was having a hard time with her parents. He said her parents were always harassing her and getting in her face. I answered, “I’d tell her to obey.” The best way to get your parents off your back is to simply obey.

The greatest perk in doing that comes years down the road, when you won't have to make yourself go apologize to them after you've finally figured out that they had been right.

More to Come....Part II
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